The Passive-Aggressive Guide to Social Media
17 Dec
I love Wikipedia. The Wik’s to-the-point descriptions are uncanny. Like this entry for passive-aggressive:
Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious.
Wow. Not sure about you, but I, apparently, am a passive-aggressive dick. Whatever. Not my fault.
Anyway, my boss told me I had to write a post today (Pfft. I’d expect that from him.), so here’s my Passive-Aggressive Guide to Social Media:
Blame others
- Use phrases like “I was misquoted” or “I was taken out of context.”
- Say things like “ROI doesn’t matter…you’re missing the point.”
- Call your boss a dinosaur — an obsolete fuddydud who doesn’t know bupkus about the industry
Complain, complain, complain
- Twitter’s the best tool for this. Well, it would be, if they could get their stupid search function to work and fix the @replies.
- BLOG: Bitch, Lament, Object, Groan
- This is what Facebook was created for, right?
Lie
- Make up elaborate stories to get attention.
- Subscribe to your own RSS feed to inflate your numbers
- Create a separate Twitter account and follow yourself. Then send yourself @replies about how smart you are.
- Drop names of people who don’t actually know you. (Okay, I got this one from Michael Phelps, but he said it’s cool if I use it.)
- Write blog posts, but don’t publish them. Better yet, don’t even write them. Just think of them. Nobody reads your stuff anyway.
- Think about people you’ve met through social media — people you’d like to get to know better — then put off connecting with them.
- Don’t respond to blog comments.
- Put off actual work so you can complain on Twitter about your work.
Fear competition
- Check your co-workers’, competitors’, and customers’ blogs incessantly. You know…keep your enemies closer, and all.
- Create accounts on the social networks using your competitors’ names. Ha! Take that, bitches!
- Protect your updates on Twitter so nobody steals your ideas.
- Block your competitors from following you.
- Reject all offers for guest posts.
Embrace inefficiency
- Spend all day talking about social media instead of using social media to achieve meaningful goals
- Write inflammatory blog posts just to stir up the hornets’ nest
Resist suggestions
- Seems kinda counter-intuitive to put a suggestion here, don’tcha think? Idiot.
Hilarious, Scott.
Loved this.
Funny.
Love that at the bottom you see: Did you enjoy this post? Why not leave a comment or subscribe to my feed and get articles like this delivered automatically each day to your feed reader.
Hilarious, Scott.
Loved this.
Funny.
Love that at the bottom you see: Did you enjoy this post? Why not leave a comment or subscribe to my feed and get articles like this delivered automatically each day to your feed reader.
LOL!
Scott,
No blame, no complaisn, no lies, …
Great! I read it all
This has got to be one of the top 4 blog posts of all time. But I'm too lazy to list what the other 3 might be. Actually, I don't even read blogs.
I'm going to go take a nap.
No passive-aggressive guide is really complete without including the the always effective phrase “they just don't get it.” I'm surprised you didn't think of this…I guess I shouldn't be, given that I seem to be the only one who's really thinking these things through.
I don't even know why I waste my time.
I didn't read this so I have no comment.
Well played, sir. I say, well played!
Really, you shouldn't even bother. I don't even know why you try.
You guys are cracking me up with your comments. When I start my improv troupe and comedy podcast, I'm bringing you all with me. Just be ready this time, okay?
You're devious! I love it!
Bella
Did you know social media can put you through med school?
Sorry I didn't get to read this sooner, Scott. You told me you were posting it tomorrow. Yeah you did. It's not my fault you got your dates mixed up.
This is a great post. Really. I would have formatted it differently and used less bullet points but, hey, that's just me. Looks like you're getting a lot of comments here. Guess people aren't too busy today and are looking for ways to fill the time. Lucky you :)
Look, don't blame me. Maybe you misunderstood.
No, you're right. It's all my fault. Sorry.
I started reading it, but it sounded too much like what I've been doing for years. So I stopped and took a two hour lunch to go Christmas shopping.
LOL!
Scott,
No blame, no complaisn, no lies, …
Great! I read it all
LOL!
Scott,
No blame, no complaisn, no lies, …
Great! I read it all
This has got to be one of the top 4 blog posts of all time. But I'm too lazy to list what the other 3 might be. Actually, I don't even read blogs.
I'm going to go take a nap.
This has got to be one of the top 4 blog posts of all time. But I'm too lazy to list what the other 3 might be. Actually, I don't even read blogs.
I'm going to go take a nap.
No passive-aggressive guide is really complete without including the the always effective phrase “they just don't get it.” I'm surprised you didn't think of this…I guess I shouldn't be, given that I seem to be the only one who's really thinking these things through.
I don't even know why I waste my time.
No passive-aggressive guide is really complete without including the the always effective phrase “they just don't get it.” I'm surprised you didn't think of this…I guess I shouldn't be, given that I seem to be the only one who's really thinking these things through.
I don't even know why I waste my time.
I didn't read this so I have no comment.
I didn't read this so I have no comment.
Well played, sir. I say, well played!
Well played, sir. I say, well played!
Really, you shouldn't even bother. I don't even know why you try.
Really, you shouldn't even bother. I don't even know why you try.
You guys are cracking me up with your comments. When I start my improv troupe and comedy podcast, I'm bringing you all with me. Just be ready this time, okay?
You guys are cracking me up with your comments. When I start my improv troupe and comedy podcast, I'm bringing you all with me. Just be ready this time, okay?
You're devious! I love it!
Bella
You're devious! I love it!
Bella
Did you know social media can put you through med school?
Did you know social media can put you through med school?
Sorry I didn't get to read this sooner, Scott. You told me you were posting it tomorrow. Yeah you did. It's not my fault you got your dates mixed up.
This is a great post. Really. I would have formatted it differently and used less bullet points but, hey, that's just me. Looks like you're getting a lot of comments here. Guess people aren't too busy today and are looking for ways to fill the time. Lucky you :)
Sorry I didn't get to read this sooner, Scott. You told me you were posting it tomorrow. Yeah you did. It's not my fault you got your dates mixed up.
This is a great post. Really. I would have formatted it differently and used less bullet points but, hey, that's just me. Looks like you're getting a lot of comments here. Guess people aren't too busy today and are looking for ways to fill the time. Lucky you :)
Look, don't blame me. Maybe you misunderstood.
No, you're right. It's all my fault. Sorry.
Look, don't blame me. Maybe you misunderstood.
No, you're right. It's all my fault. Sorry.
I started reading it, but it sounded too much like what I've been doing for years. So I stopped and took a two hour lunch to go Christmas shopping.
I started reading it, but it sounded too much like what I've been doing for years. So I stopped and took a two hour lunch to go Christmas shopping.